Most people consider driving merely a way to get from point A to point B, just another boring method of transportation. As I've proved countless times on this site, most people are stupid. Driving represents an externalization of the ultimate conflict which rages inside every human being, the need to fully realize who we are and where we are going in our lives. It is an expressive action which opens up a window to every persons' soul, revealing their inner desires and a shockingly accurate representation of their true nature. Actually, now that I think about it, I guess driving really is just another boring method of transportation. My mistake.
Chapter One: Know Your Enemies!
Before actually getting in your car and going somewhere, you should become familiar with the various people who inhabit the highways and byways of America, the individuals whose sole purpose on Earth is to congest the roadway ahead of your vehicle and cause you to get into a fiery hellish inferno of destruction. These enemies come in a variety of different forms, spanning every ethnic and physical description possible. Every class of driver has their own distinct "Sphere of Awareness" factor, a measurement which describes exactly how aware of their surrounding environment these people are. Study the following guide and become well versed on each group. It just may save your life.
The Homeboyz
SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Miles, as they're continuously scanning the horizon for rival Homeboyz, potential dating material, and anybody with a louder stereo system than theirs.
CHANCES OF ENCOUNTER: High
AVERAGE SPEED: Below the speed limit
DRIVING STYLE: Aggressive
DESCRIPTION: There are four primary types of Homeboyz to be aware of: white, black, Hispanic, and Asian. Other groups, such as the Icelandic Homeboyz and the Norwegian Homeboyz, probably exist, but don't have such a strong presence. The Homeboyz can be easily spotted thanks to an early warning detection system known as "sticking your head outside the window." If you hear a faint, repetitious thumping noise, you can be almost sure that a Homeboy is somewhere within a 15 mile radius of your automobile. Homeboyz vehicles are notorious for going against the "traditional" vehicle cost structure (how the majority of the money invested in the vehicle is spent) which is as follows:
1) The car itself
2) Additional safety features
3) Burglar protection system
Instead, the cost structure for Homeboyz cars is as follows:
1) Stereo system
2) Tires
3) Spoiler / stick-on decals that display their car manufacturer's name in gigantic letters
The actual cost of the car ranks somewhere around 158th place, right below "crown-shaped air freshener". As a result, you will see many Homeboyz driving around in "souped up" (read as: "has car doors from a totally different vehicle") cars like stolen and recently impounded Hondas. Despite having an above average Sphere of Awareness, Homeboyz are usually reclined back in their seats to the point where the top of their forehead is well below the dashboard. Many scientists studying the habits of Homeboyz were at a loss to explain how they were able to see their surroundings through the metal and plastic of the car, at least until Dr. Rex Mendoza was able to capture a Homeboy-mobile and examine the interior. He was surprised to learn that Homeboyz have actually evolved to their driving style, featuring something dubbed a "Homeboy Periscope" which allows them to see the road in front of their car while being submerged up to five feet below the dashboard. If you encounter a Homeboy, do NOT under any circumstances look in its general direction, as the glare from all the chrome of the vehicle and the 10 cubic tons of imitation gold around their necks will instantly blind you.
Elderly Couple About to Die
SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Very low
CHANCES OF ENCOUNTER: Fairly high
AVERAGE SPEED: Dangerously low
DRIVING STYLE: Unpredictable
DESCRIPTION: The Elderly Couple About to Die are part of a totally foreign culture, one which believes that the final act of somebody's existence should be to pass away behind the steering wheel of their own car. They feel that the most holy and pure way to "pass on to the big toll booth in the sky" is while driving down the highway. As a result, there are now hordes of these people clogging up the arteries of our streets and roads, simply cruising around at the slowest speed they can possibly reach without shifting into reverse. These folks have absolutely nowhere to go and no time they have to be there, so one must exercise caution when encountering them. Luckily, they can be spotted easily. Simply look for the following obvious indicators:
Collection of foam hats on the back windshield
License plate holder which reads "World's Greatest Grandparents"
Bumper sticker that mentions either Jesus or the VFW
Car is the size of a large houseboat
Beanie Baby collection on back windshield
Luckily they are not very aggressive, although they do have a tendency to shift into other lanes with little to no warning. Scientists believe that not even the Elderly Couple is aware of when they're going to shift lanes; an unpredictable biological impulse is suddenly sent to the driver's brain and he immediately reacts by swerving to the right or left. No cure has been found for this disease yet, as the test subjects tend to keep dying.
Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle
SPHERE OF AWARENESS: None
CHANCES OF ENCOUNTER: Very high
AVERAGE SPEED: Very fast
DRIVING STYLE: Aggressive
DESCRIPTION: The Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle is a fairly new genre of driver, spawned by America's sudden interest in driving mammoth, expensive vehicles that resemble pregnant Jeeps. Like the Homeboy (see previous page), this type of driver is able to see the road in front of them despite the fact they're a good few inches below the dashboard. However, unlike the Homeboy, this is due to their physical height, as many of them are well under four feet tall. The way the Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle is able to see comes through the ingenious use of her cellphone (which is embedded in her shoulder). There is actually an underground telephone service for these people which informs them of the traffic in front of their car and provides detailed driving instructions. This is why you will always see the Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle using her cellphone - because it is needed to survive. If, in the freakish chance that you notice one not using her phone, it is advised to pull over and stay very far away from her, as the chances of a collision are exponentially higher. Accidents involving a SUV result in a 98% probability that the other driver will be killed and the SUV itself will suffer a minor scratch on its titanium-enhanced bumper.
Chapter One: Know Your Enemies!
Before actually getting in your car and going somewhere, you should become familiar with the various people who inhabit the highways and byways of America, the individuals whose sole purpose on Earth is to congest the roadway ahead of your vehicle and cause you to get into a fiery hellish inferno of destruction. These enemies come in a variety of different forms, spanning every ethnic and physical description possible. Every class of driver has their own distinct "Sphere of Awareness" factor, a measurement which describes exactly how aware of their surrounding environment these people are. Study the following guide and become well versed on each group. It just may save your life.
The Homeboyz
SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Miles, as they're continuously scanning the horizon for rival Homeboyz, potential dating material, and anybody with a louder stereo system than theirs.
CHANCES OF ENCOUNTER: High
AVERAGE SPEED: Below the speed limit
DRIVING STYLE: Aggressive
DESCRIPTION: There are four primary types of Homeboyz to be aware of: white, black, Hispanic, and Asian. Other groups, such as the Icelandic Homeboyz and the Norwegian Homeboyz, probably exist, but don't have such a strong presence. The Homeboyz can be easily spotted thanks to an early warning detection system known as "sticking your head outside the window." If you hear a faint, repetitious thumping noise, you can be almost sure that a Homeboy is somewhere within a 15 mile radius of your automobile. Homeboyz vehicles are notorious for going against the "traditional" vehicle cost structure (how the majority of the money invested in the vehicle is spent) which is as follows:
1) The car itself
2) Additional safety features
3) Burglar protection system
Instead, the cost structure for Homeboyz cars is as follows:
1) Stereo system
2) Tires
3) Spoiler / stick-on decals that display their car manufacturer's name in gigantic letters
The actual cost of the car ranks somewhere around 158th place, right below "crown-shaped air freshener". As a result, you will see many Homeboyz driving around in "souped up" (read as: "has car doors from a totally different vehicle") cars like stolen and recently impounded Hondas. Despite having an above average Sphere of Awareness, Homeboyz are usually reclined back in their seats to the point where the top of their forehead is well below the dashboard. Many scientists studying the habits of Homeboyz were at a loss to explain how they were able to see their surroundings through the metal and plastic of the car, at least until Dr. Rex Mendoza was able to capture a Homeboy-mobile and examine the interior. He was surprised to learn that Homeboyz have actually evolved to their driving style, featuring something dubbed a "Homeboy Periscope" which allows them to see the road in front of their car while being submerged up to five feet below the dashboard. If you encounter a Homeboy, do NOT under any circumstances look in its general direction, as the glare from all the chrome of the vehicle and the 10 cubic tons of imitation gold around their necks will instantly blind you.
Elderly Couple About to Die
SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Very low
CHANCES OF ENCOUNTER: Fairly high
AVERAGE SPEED: Dangerously low
DRIVING STYLE: Unpredictable
DESCRIPTION: The Elderly Couple About to Die are part of a totally foreign culture, one which believes that the final act of somebody's existence should be to pass away behind the steering wheel of their own car. They feel that the most holy and pure way to "pass on to the big toll booth in the sky" is while driving down the highway. As a result, there are now hordes of these people clogging up the arteries of our streets and roads, simply cruising around at the slowest speed they can possibly reach without shifting into reverse. These folks have absolutely nowhere to go and no time they have to be there, so one must exercise caution when encountering them. Luckily, they can be spotted easily. Simply look for the following obvious indicators:
Collection of foam hats on the back windshield
License plate holder which reads "World's Greatest Grandparents"
Bumper sticker that mentions either Jesus or the VFW
Car is the size of a large houseboat
Beanie Baby collection on back windshield
Luckily they are not very aggressive, although they do have a tendency to shift into other lanes with little to no warning. Scientists believe that not even the Elderly Couple is aware of when they're going to shift lanes; an unpredictable biological impulse is suddenly sent to the driver's brain and he immediately reacts by swerving to the right or left. No cure has been found for this disease yet, as the test subjects tend to keep dying.
Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle
SPHERE OF AWARENESS: None
CHANCES OF ENCOUNTER: Very high
AVERAGE SPEED: Very fast
DRIVING STYLE: Aggressive
DESCRIPTION: The Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle is a fairly new genre of driver, spawned by America's sudden interest in driving mammoth, expensive vehicles that resemble pregnant Jeeps. Like the Homeboy (see previous page), this type of driver is able to see the road in front of them despite the fact they're a good few inches below the dashboard. However, unlike the Homeboy, this is due to their physical height, as many of them are well under four feet tall. The way the Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle is able to see comes through the ingenious use of her cellphone (which is embedded in her shoulder). There is actually an underground telephone service for these people which informs them of the traffic in front of their car and provides detailed driving instructions. This is why you will always see the Short Japanese Woman in a Cute Little Sports-Utility Vehicle using her cellphone - because it is needed to survive. If, in the freakish chance that you notice one not using her phone, it is advised to pull over and stay very far away from her, as the chances of a collision are exponentially higher. Accidents involving a SUV result in a 98% probability that the other driver will be killed and the SUV itself will suffer a minor scratch on its titanium-enhanced bumper.
