Tell your favorite joke

#41
I gotta copper joke fer ya:

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought. The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him and he pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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#42
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.
 
#43
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! "

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"
 
#44
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare -
the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because
he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie
is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time
says that he had dreamt that granddad had died.
The father assures the son that granddad is fine and sends him to bed. The next day,
granddad dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time
says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is
OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so
terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't
eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure
he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and
hides under his desk for safety. Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning!".
 
#45
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.


3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
 
#46
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she
told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and
asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the
back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse
took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one-day the doctor's wife called him at
the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell
to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma
had precipitated the cardiac arrest.So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
 
#52
Chythar said:
Alright, I got a sick one for you...

A bum staggers into a bar. He's clearly drunk off his arse, and has a crazed look in his eyes. They finally focus on the bartender, and he plops himself down on a barstool. The bum manages to slurr out, "...Gimme a drink."

The bartender sighs. "You got any money, brother?"

"Nnnnnnope. Gimme a drink."

"Can't give you a drink unless you got cash."

The bum opens his eyes wide, and begins to panic. "I gotta have a drink! Just one!"

The bartender purses his lips, getting quite annoyed. "No cash, no drink."

The bum stands up and reaches for the bartender, who smartly stays out of reach. "B-but, I just gotta have a drink! I gotta! Oh please, I'll do anything!"

The bum's antics is getting the attention of the other people in the bar. Noticing this, the bartender gets an idea. "Anything, really? You'll really do anything just to get one drink?"

The bum nods excitedly. "Uh-huh."

More of the bar's patrons have turned to watch the scene unfolding at the bar. Noticing this, the bartender lets loose a brief smile before answering the bum. "OK. I'll give you all the drinks you can drink, if you can take one sip out of that spitoon over there." He points over to the end of the bar, where the brass spitoon sits.

All eyes turn to the bum. His head wobbles as he moves, looking over at the end of the bar. He staggers over towards where the spitoon sits. Behind his back, people are watching his every move. Some are whispering amongst themselves. Others exchange cash, betting on whether the bum will actually do it. But as the bum reaches the end of the bar, the entire room goes quiet. All are wondering, will he do it?

The bum picks up the spitoon in his shaking hands. He looks down into the mix of tobacco juice and cigarette butts, staring deeply as if making up his mind. He's not sure, but he thinks he sees something floating just under the surface. Something big, something...chunky.

The bum puts the spitoon to his lips, and takes a sip. Suddenly, he tilts the spitoon up, spilling tobacco juice all over himself and chugs the whole thing down!

People start vomiting all over the place. On the floor, on the tables, on the bar and on themselves. The bartender looks horrified at the mess - this is NOT what he expected! He shouts at the bum, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!? YOU JUST HAD TO TAKE ONE SIP!"

The bum looks over, and wipes his messy chin off on his sleeve before answering. "Yeah, but it was all in one string."


Top that, ya bastigeses! :D
Click to expand...

I must be really slow... because I don't get it...
 
#57
Little billy gets home from school and tells his dad that he got in trouble at school today and is suspended tomarrow. Damnit Billy what did you do now? Well we were doing math problems and the teacher went around to Susie first and asked what 2+2 was, she answered 4. Then she went to Johnny next asked what 3+1 was he said 4 too. Then she called on me and asked what 2+3 was I answered 5. then she asked what 3+2 was. Billys dad says well what the f**k is the difference........ Well thats what I said!

HAHAHA
 
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