Joke of the day

[Sicarius428]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.. Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked o n my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,

she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And
I just sat there...



On
the couch...



Naked.



Kevin
> > >

 

[Strype]

Ok here's todays:

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas
and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha!
I'm ahead 14 to 7 !"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"

 

[cervinistang]

ohh wow i feel like an idiot

I dont know what i was thinking

i serously though you were joking....

 

[87foxstang]

haha yeeeaaaaa. The secretary one was great

 

[foxmustangman]

Note to self: Dont take off pants until woman is confirmed naked.

 

[TweekedGT]

Wednesdays Joke:

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair ~remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and get some “Nair" hair ~ remover.

At the register the druggist tells her: “If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, “I’m not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: “If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says: “Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[87foxstang]

ehhh

 

[TweekedGT]

ehhh

At least your catching on . I can't waste all my good material all at once.

 

[5.0Droptop]

ROFL!!

 

[87foxstang]

At least your catching on . I can't waste all my good material all at once.

Yes, the more i read you jokes, I realize that I need to understand and laugh at what is funny and not laugh at what is not funny. im new to jokes

 

[HISSIN50]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.. Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked o n my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,

she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And
I just sat there...



On
the couch...



Naked.



Kevin
> > >

Not at all related but it reminded me of the one with the test by the fiance's sister.

".......and the moral of the story is to keep your condoms in your glovebox."

 

[foxmustangman]

^ I love that joke!

 

[PUNISHER RACING]

Ah, my new favorite thread!!!!

 

[TweekedGT]

Thursdays Joke:


Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both
were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she
would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was
wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She
was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they continued their walk to home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have
got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with
no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back
with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

 

[DEFWISH]

Not at all related but it reminded me of the one with the test by the fiance's sister.

".......and the moral of the story is to keep your condoms in your glovebox."

and that's where theyve been since i heard that one ahaha!

 

[KlrSnk]

Thursdays joke is awesome.

 

[87foxstang]

thursdays joke

 

[grey5.0beast]

I love this thread!!! LMAO @ secretary one

 

[Sicarius428]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.



Kevin

 

[TweekedGT]

Good one.

Fridays Joke:

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",
"No, not really, sir......they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.