The Plan It all started out simple enough. I was going to rent a car and drive down to see Bill and buy his 95 Taurus SHO. I get online to book the rental car. Nothing flashy, just a little econo box with a half decent stereo and enough room to hold me, a backpack, and some munchies. I look at the car listing and pick something cheap. $35 a day. Perfect. On thing... if I want to pick it up here and leave it there, it jumps to $274!!! I see the same thing over and over again with car rental outfits that are capable of miracle of modern society. Guess they didn't want my money. Plan B So I go onto Expedia. Great... Another Bill on it's Shatner this time. He'd never do me wrong. Low and behold, $169 for an airline ticket to Dallas. Easy enough. I despise flying commercial but it's a short flight so meh... I'll deal. I get to the airport well in advance of the time that I need to be there. Sweet, I'll have time to get some coffee and have a smoke before I have to get in line with the rest of the sheep and be herded through the sphincter check. I'll have a medium so I don't have to dash to the head on the short flight. As it turns out, I had plenty of time to drink it. The line for this tiny airport must be the best kept secret in the city because EVERYONE is here. I make it through the TSA line with a long wait but no other issues. Grandma didn't get strip searched, the albino hot chick didn't get strip searched, and I didn't get the glove up the keister. Ah well... better luck next time. I belly up to the bar on the, 'clean' side of the terminal. I still have all kinds of time. Nice. Two margaritas mixed heavy by the chatty kathey behind the counter. Nice looking but just won't shutup. No biggie, I wasn't listening to her anyway. I get on the plane and we take off. Man... I gotta **** like a race horse! Good thing I only had that medium coffee. Dallas I text Bill. "Dude, I'm down. Where you wanna meet?" He tells me he's parked out in front of baggage terminal A. I've got no idea where I am in relation so I head off in some randome direction to find a map. Sweet! I'm at the terminal that is farthest from where Bill is parked. I head out to find the train through the rat maze. I get on the train after a quick examination of where I need to be. I text Bill and let him know it'll be a few minutes. While I'm on the train, I see this: Not crazy hot or anything but yeah... I'd hit it. A few minutes later, I'm at the terminal. I past baggage claim and out the door. I've no idea what Bill looks like but I see a White SHO with tinted windows and what looks like a a child molester behind the wheel. The only thing that's missing is a sign on the door that says, "Free Candy". That must be Bill. I holler out. He looks up from his cell phone porn and spots me. Nice... clean and easy, no muss no fuss. I toss my bag in the back and jump in the passenger seat. THAT is when the car dies... The damned thing wont start. Bill begins apologizing and explaining that the thing ran like a top all the way to the airport. Try as we might, it won't restart. Bill pulls the code reader out of the back seat and we head to the engine bay. "What exactly are you trying to say?" I said. Bill says, "Huh?" "Your code reader is bigger than mine. Just what are you trying to say?" So we fool with the thing for a couple of minutes before the Super Patrol shows up on his Segway. Obviously, we are here to blow up the airport and the code reader must be the detonation device. So he hovers at a less than safe distance behind us as we try to figure out what ails this POS Ford. After a while, it starts. YAY! We jump in and head down the road before something happens. Ugh... it dies again. We might have got a hundred yards. It's going to be a LONG trip to Bill's place. He's about 90 minutes away. After brooding over the problem for a while, we decide that the new ignition controller must be bad. It feels hot as hell and so does the intake. No codes. We let it cool for a while and finally get it started and are on our way. Bill calls someone he's buying a car from. It's a Lincoln, decent shape and the owner hasn't had the time to lower it or add the under-glow kit or anything. He fiddles with it for a while and decides to buy it. He makes the deal and we're off go grab some dinner. Only problem is... the SHO won't start. We let the car cool, get it started and head down the road in search of some messican foodz. We spot a place while following the road to nowhere, led by the trusty GPS that barely knows it's ass from a hole in the ground. We get to the restaurant and we're still talking about the ignition module. Bill spots one on his cell phone interwebz that's 10 miles away and heads off like a shot. He leaves, I eat my dinner and have his packed in a to-go box. The restaurant is closing and they're putting the chairs up on the table so I head back out to the SHO to wait. IT TAKES HIM AN HOUR TO GET BACK. He says there were three accidents. I say he stopped to look at bewbz or something. It's 2:30 AM before we get on the road and head to his place. I'm driving the SHO and he's driving the POS Lincoln he just bought. The SHO feels like complete ass. It's pulling to the right like a boss and there's vibration in the wheel and the floor. What a POS!!! The motor feels strong but this thing has more driving problems and makes more noise than my old International Scout. It's a creaky, shaky nightmare. Bill tells me that the wheels weights must have come off and that we'll stop back by thee tire shop in the morning so they can fix their screw up. THEN he tells me that we need to meet his buddy at some undisclosed location so he can pick up the title to another car he used to have. I'm fading fast. I've been up since about 6:AM and it's WAY past my bedtime. We head out. Bill arranged his meeting while we were on the road and we pull off the freeway into some gas station so that Bill can get his papers. It's some young kid with a full size truck with the alarm blaring. He can't shut it off. After a while, we get back on the road. iI have to fight the wheel of the show to keep from careening off the right hand side of the road. Half way there, BOOM, FUP FUP FUP FUP FUP. The front left tire blows. SAWEEET! I flash my brights at Bill and pull off the road. We go to get the spare and wouldn't ya know? There's no jack, and no tire wrench. BRILLIANT! We go get the jack and tire wrench from the Lincoln. That car has none either! AWESOME! The wind has picked up a good clip and the temp dropped about 20 degrees since we left the airport. I'm having SERIOUS doubts about being able to get this crap wagon back home. We get in the car and start dialing AAA. Who would have guessed that my AAA account had been expired since 2010 It only took 30 minutes of sitting on hold for the chick on the other end to tell us we'd not be getting any help. Bill calls his service. It just so happens that the dude is like 2 miles behind us on the freeway. He's there in no time and changes the tire to the donut. What's weird is the car now drives like a charm! hahahahahahahaha.... It's smooth, it doesn't shake, rattle, roll, or even try to put me into the guard rail! 3 more donuts and this car should be prefect!!!! It's 3:AM. It takes us another hour or so to get to Bill's place. He's shut the water off in the house because the water heater blew up. No shower. I don't care, I'm crazy tired and just need someplace to crash. We have things to do and people to see in the morning and I need some shut-eye. I throw a blanket on the couch and crashed out in what I was wearing. Early in the morning (had to be like 8 or something). We get up and get ready to head out again. I tell him I want to go to Walmart and have them toss two new tires on the front. I'd had enough with the tire game and it's a 6ish our ride home. So we do that, grab some coffee and wait for the tires to be done. The brain pans at Wallymart put the wheels on the wrong side of the car. Bill catches it and they go about fixing it. Bill and I are talking going to Radio Shack and getting some dielectric grease for the back of the ignition control module. He'd read up on while I was crashed out and we agreed that, that was probably what the problem was. I tell him to check the box of the part he bought last night. Low and behold... dielectric grease. He smears it on and reinstalled the module. The car runs like a dream the rest of the day. We spent the whole day out running around getting Bill's shop procured. The dude that owns it is great to talk to! He and his brother, Bill and I, sat there shooting the chit for the better part of two hours. Of course, the owner wanted Bill to have the place despite another contender's offer of even more than the asking price. You just can't put a price on a bunch of dudes sitting around chewing the fat about the good ole days. So anyway... In summary, DON'T BUY ANY CARS FROM LASERSVT! We were SUPPOSED to go have some dinner and maybe throw a couple bucks at some stripper working her way through college. Instead... It was a CLASSIC Planes, Trains, and Automobiles story (I'm Steve Martin, Bill is John Candy). Going to visit Bill is like taking up another full time job.... in Mexico! In seriousness though... Bill was great. The car just decided that it wanted to start acting the ass on this trip and he was always moving and getting things taken care of. I don't think Bill ever stops moving. He got everything fixed up and the car was perfect all the way home. I'd been looking forward to the road trip for a few weeks and was pleasantly surprised that the trip home was what I had envisioned. It's a very nice car with lots of creature comforts and good strong motor. Two er... theoretical kills on the way home too (on a closed course with safety equipment and personnel on scene). :wink: but I'll talk about that in a different place at a different time.
Reading about Bill's life is huge red flag, you have to expect everything to go bad when you're near him.
I agree just read this whole crazy story and it sounds like all the lies laser tells us... maybe some are true all this crap can happy to you in one night. and you slept on bills couch ewwww
It was either that or the chicken coop. All the chickens were long gone and I'd have considered it except that I didn't even know it was there until sunup. He definitely lives out in the ding-toolies. At one point, I'd called him on the phone and told him I was stabbing him right in the balls before I got corn holed for having a pretty mouth. As it turns out, Bill lives about 8 miles away from the ACTUAL (no kidding) site of the chain saw massacre. Not the movie site but the REAL site where that whole thing took place.
We should have stopped for burgers at the gas station with all the expired groceries that never has gas. And BTW, I was up at 7 and worked on the car for an hour before you got up.
Hell... It might have taken me all of two minutes to pass out. I was out before I'd had time to know I was asleep. ....and yeah. We should have. That Messican place wasn't all that either. LOL
Sounds like a typical day in Bills life. Glad you made it home..... Now you better check the sky, because Bill said he tied his black cloud to the bumper of the SHO before you left.
Yeah... I'll drive it around for a while and make sure all the Gremlins are gone. I think I'm going to start systematically swapping the hoses etc. that I can get to without taking that MONSTER plenum off. At some point, I'll replace the factory stereo head unit(s). The speakers in this car are a LOT better than the radio is. It appears to have two single single DIN slots. I'll have to look to see if that's what it is or if it's actually a double din with two singles in it. I'll probably upgrade the factory sub too. Something with at least a 10 inch speaker cone. Some seat covers and maybe a little body work and I'll be done. I flushed out the coolant system today. Whatever ass-hat owned it before, was obviously using tap water in the cooling system and ORANGE coolant. The car has rust here and there (engine bay brackets etc.) and I'll probably hit those areas with some POR-15 to take care of that and try and find replacements for the parts that I don't like.
@Noob347 Dude, what a story. I've read the "Bill" stories on here and thought they were much exaggerated. I guess it's all apparently true. I've seen pictures of that white SHO that you now own. Always wanted one but after that story, I'll either steer clear or just check the CARFAX and make sure Bill wasn't the owner. Hilarious guys.
