Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'. All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family, and I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barrack Obama for President? Signed, Worried About My Reputation
The Hammock Comedy Stage So, Jesse Jackson is causing a ruckus again. Have you heard about this, have you seen this? There was a fire in a NJ apt building, 3 levels high. The first floor, had African Americans on it, all died . The 2nd floor had all mexicans, all died . Third floor had all whites, which all lived. Jesse demands to know why only the whites survived. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Well it's simple. The whites were all at work
The Hammock Comedy Stage A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
The Hammock Comedy Stage A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
The Hammock Comedy Stage The Day the Penis asked for a Raise I, the Penis, here by request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, V. Gina
The Hammock Comedy Stage A woman walks into a bar and sits next to a guy. He looks over and says, "Hi, I'm John Snow, who are you?" The woman replies, "I'm June, and it's nice to meet you." The man grins a big grin, and doesn't stop for several minutes. The woman, feeling a bit embarrassed, asks, "Why are you smiling like that?" He shakes his head and replies, "I was just thinking, can you imagine six inches of Snow in June?"
The Hammock Comedy Stage Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself." The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself." The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself." The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day." The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day." "Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."
The Hammock Comedy Stage A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads... " W I N A B A G E L "
A wife and husband were sitting in bed watching tv when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time." She looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Your dick is bigger than all of your friends'."
Grapes are sweet Lemons are sour Open your legs and feel my power. Told this to a girl on the bus in 6th grade and I got in trouble.
Laser, you arse, use some new jokes They didn't work the first time, and surely not going to work the second Ok, I got a good one.... What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter.
There's a 60 year old couple who've been married and slept in the same bed for 40 years and every morning the woman wakes up to a the man letting out an earth-shaking rumbling fart. And every morning the woman turns to the man and says, "One of these days honey, when you wake up farting like that, you'll fart your insides out." And every morning the man shrugs her off, thinking to himself, "crazy woman doesn't even know what she's talking about". Well one morning the woman decides she is going to pull a practical joke on her husband, so she wakes up early, goes to the butcher shop and gets an entire, fresh pig intestines, and puts them in bed next to her sleeping husband. The woman goes downstairs to cook breakfast and sure enough, she hears and feels the normal explosive fart, followed this time by an ear-piercing scream. She laughs, knowing what her husband has found and continues cooking. About 10 minutes later her husband comes downstairs and uncomfortably sits down. The woman, with a smile on her face, asks, "What's wrong honey?" The man replies, "Well hun, you were right. I farted out my insides this morning, and by the grace of god and these two fingers, I got em all stuffed back in there!"
There is a huge traffic jam on the highway. As a guy sits in his car, someone knocks on his door. He rolls down his window and says hello. The other guy says "quite a mess we have here" Guy in car says "yeah, whats going on?" Other guy says "some terrorists have kidnapped jesse jackson, al sharpton, barack obama, rosie odonnel, and hillary clinton. They are demanding $10million or they are going to pour gasoline over all of them and light them on fire! I am here now, asking you to donate so we can get going." Guy in car says "how much is everyone giving" other guy says..... "about a gallon"
JOTD Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display. Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?" Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights." Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?" Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights." Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?" Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March." Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fack herself
Hickory, dickory dock. This chick was ................. J/K! Ok, last year I was taking a flight from New York to LA. So as we get in the air the pilot comes on with his speal about we'll be cruising at 30,000 ft bla bla bla. So he finishes and puts the mic down but forgets to shut it off. Then he goes to the co-pilot, "Ya know, all I could use rite now is a cup of coffee and a blow job"! So the stewardess in the back of the plane hear's this and goes bombing up to the front to tell him the mic is on and as she' passes me I go "hey sweetheart, don't forget the coffee"!
