Tell your favorite joke

Alright, I got a sick one for you...

A bum staggers into a bar. He's clearly drunk off his arse, and has a crazed look in his eyes. They finally focus on the bartender, and he plops himself down on a barstool. The bum manages to slurr out, "...Gimme a drink."

The bartender sighs. "You got any money, brother?"

"Nnnnnnope. Gimme a drink."

"Can't give you a drink unless you got cash."

The bum opens his eyes wide, and begins to panic. "I gotta have a drink! Just one!"

The bartender purses his lips, getting quite annoyed. "No cash, no drink."

The bum stands up and reaches for the bartender, who smartly stays out of reach. "B-but, I just gotta have a drink! I gotta! Oh please, I'll do anything!"

The bum's antics is getting the attention of the other people in the bar. Noticing this, the bartender gets an idea. "Anything, really? You'll really do anything just to get one drink?"

The bum nods excitedly. "Uh-huh."

More of the bar's patrons have turned to watch the scene unfolding at the bar. Noticing this, the bartender lets loose a brief smile before answering the bum. "OK. I'll give you all the drinks you can drink, if you can take one sip out of that spitoon over there." He points over to the end of the bar, where the brass spitoon sits.

All eyes turn to the bum. His head wobbles as he moves, looking over at the end of the bar. He staggers over towards where the spitoon sits. Behind his back, people are watching his every move. Some are whispering amongst themselves. Others exchange cash, betting on whether the bum will actually do it. But as the bum reaches the end of the bar, the entire room goes quiet. All are wondering, will he do it?

The bum picks up the spitoon in his shaking hands. He looks down into the mix of tobacco juice and cigarette butts, staring deeply as if making up his mind. He's not sure, but he thinks he sees something floating just under the surface. Something big, something...chunky.

The bum puts the spitoon to his lips, and takes a sip. Suddenly, he tilts the spitoon up, spilling tobacco juice all over himself and chugs the whole thing down!

People start vomiting all over the place. On the floor, on the tables, on the bar and on themselves. The bartender looks horrified at the mess - this is NOT what he expected! He shouts at the bum, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!? YOU JUST HAD TO TAKE ONE SIP!"

The bum looks over, and wipes his messy chin off on his sleeve before answering. "Yeah, but it was all in one string."


Top that, ya bastigeses! :D
 
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Follow up:

The next day, the bum walks back into the same bar. This time he's sober, but he looks very sick. The bartender is also the same one from the night before, and he's not pleased to see the bum. "What the heck are you doing here?"

"Aw, man. I had WAY too much to drink. It had me blowing chunks all through the night."

The bartender scowls. "Well, what did you expect, after drinking all that stuff!?"

The bum shakes his head. "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

:rlaugh:
 
Horse walks into a bar, the batender says "why the long face"

Ok Ok i know...... heres one for reall


Immigrant.....


This guy from overseas goes into a pet store to buy his kid a pet duck.... He is looking around when the salemans come up to him and asks him..... "you need any help" To this the man replies in a very hard to understand accent "you swale dwucks"... The salesman asks him to repeat hisself mot understanding what he said.... so the man continues... "you swale dwucks" "OOOOHHHH" the salemans says... finally understanding the man..... "yes sir, lets go pick you one out" so the man picks out his duck, pays , and leaves the store.....


The same man returns to the entire following week...... salesman say sir "can i help you" everytime, THen the man asks "dyou dsell Dwuck Fwood" the salesman already making a sale to this guy is aggrevated trying to understand him so he asks him to leave......


That following monday, the returns to the store.... walks up to the salesman.. and says "DYOU SDTUFF DWUCKS" the salesman having not understood him once again asks him to repeat himself... so the man replies "DYOU SDTUFF DWUCKS".. Ohhh the salesman says.... "yeah we can stuff ducks...." to which the man replies ....... " DWELL DSTUFF DIS DWON UP DYOUR ASS CARS IT STURVED TO DEATH"........


thats my best one........ so sad...lol
 
what's the difference between a blonde and a mesquito??


when you slap a mesquito it stops sucking!



what do you call a brewnett with really bad breath??

an upside down blonde!



what do you say to a woman that has two black eyes??


nothing, she's already been told twice!
 
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officers says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun need calibrating.

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be
silly dear, you know that this car does not have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for
once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth
shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I noticed that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the
driver turn to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE
SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

(You are gonna love this.)
"Only when he's been drinking."