Taken from a bunch of ER docs.
Tonight I learned yet another helpful life lesson from one of my patients. If you're on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don't eat all your coke. Having been taught this valuable lesson I will now know better than to do this and wind up going to the ER in handcuffs, seizing uncontrollably, aspirating my vomit and doing all of this with a white powder moustache looking like and ad for "Got Coke?"
Stay away from people named "Some Guy" or "This One Dude", because they for whatever reason, just punch someone in the face or hit them with a crowbar and run off. If I see them on the street, I cross the street to get away from them.
Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.
Always wait until finishing your woodwork with the skillsaw prior to using your meth.
Don't swerve your Suzuki Samari to avoid hitting a squirrel in the middle of the road.
Don't road surf on the top of a moving stickshift car driven by your younger sibling with a learner's permit.
No matter how annoyed you are at being incarcerated dont slash open your scrotum and shove razor blades up your urethra. Now I know, who among us hasn't thought wistfully of doing that but it turns out that it's not a good idea.
Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.
Don't cut off your own penis and testicles with a knife...no explaination necessary.
If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first.....and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina.....the, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removal (happened to one of the guys in my residency).
No matter how tough you are, don't cross the street when you are drunk because the moving vehicle always wins.
If you have taken 7 home pregnancy tests that are all positive, and you come into the emergency department...chances are that test too will come back positive.
Just because the nut fits around your penis when you are not erect, it doesn't mean it will fit when you are.
if you are given a prescription for narcotics wait until the rx is filled before you try to sell them...
pt yesterday with bs pain complaint gets rx for vicodin and trys to sell them over the phone(loudly) in the E.D. lobby..." they gave me 30 vicodin...how about $250? ok meet me here in 20 minutes".
pt overheard by staff who took written rx from pt and ripped it up in his presence.....
No matter how badly constipated you are, a vodka enema is not a good idea.
Drinking Pine Sol diluted in a 5 gallon bucket, shared with 5 friends, is not a good way to get drunk
Do not suck on snake bite so that you can spread the venom to MORE parts of your body....
Oh if you come in with a salsa jar in your rectum, don't give the staff a fruit cake as a thank you present.
When attempting a self-circumcision do not use dry ice to numb the area... and when the dry ice sticks to the... a.... area, do not attempt to remove the ice with boiling water.
If you get bit by a stray dog then be sure and go home, get your gun, and shoot five different stray dogs because you could not remember which one it was that bit you. Then be sure to bring all five dogs to the Emergency Room so that we can test them for rabies
Alcohol, table saws, and flannel shirts do not mix.
I had a patient come in the other day complaining that he had had Hepatitis B so long it had turned into Hepatitis C...
If, after 83 years of living the life of an uncircumcised man, you decide to dehood yourself with a steak knife, you prolly don't wanna wait 2 days before you let someone know things aren't healing too well down there!
Do not leave you methadone dose on the kitchen counter in a kids sippie cup where your 2 year old son can easily reach for it and chug down your days dose
Yes, we know you only had 2 beers. Was that 2 quarts, 2 six packs, 2 cases.........?
obese patient (400+ pounds) p/w left scrotal pain secondary to sitting on his own testicle.. further analysis shows the guy crushed his own twig and berries..
swallowing batteries gives you energy
the painless chancre of primary syphilis, the cauliflower-like growths of HPV, the blisters of herpes, and the urethral discharge of gonorrhea/chlamydia can, indeed, all exist on a single penis
it's possible to put a wooden toothpick completely through the palm of your hand.
Taking a whole bottle of diet pills at one time will not make you lose weight any faster for that date you have tommorrow night.
If you come into the ER in the middle of the SARS scare complaining of flu-like symptoms, it would be a good idea to mention IMMEDIATELY that you just came back from Hong Kong.
If you spend the whole night out drinking booze, don't drink any other liquids, stay up for 36 hours straight, then go sell some plasma to get more booze and gambling money don't be surprised if you get a little dizzy. Definitely don't call EMS to pick you up at the casino. And most definitely don't tell EMS to wait while you go cash in your slot ticket.
If it burns when you pee and you have the drip don't get angry at me for being the lucky one to tell you that you have GC. Furthermore, I don't care if "that bitch" swore she was clean. It won't change your current situation. When I suggest condom use in the future don't say (not making this up) "Well maybe that's OK for you but I'm a REAL MAN. I ain't using no thing."
You really shouldn't come to the ER because you have a bunion. You really shouldn't be on Percocet and Soma for your bunion. You really shouldn't ask me to refill your Percocet and Soma for your horrible bunion pain.
If you buy, steal, or otherwise obtain a new gun, DO NOT show if to your friend, wife, ex girlfriend, etc, because you will end up shooting yourself in the face, arm, leg, or ass.
If you suspect you have an STD, don't go to the ED with your girlfriend and tell the doctor your symptoms in front of her if she's not the one that gave you the STD. Don't act surprised, either, if she storms out of the room crying
After you fall and hit your head on the ice while trying to dig your car out of a snow bank by all means get angry and wedge your snowbrush on the gas peddle while you dig out the rear tires and then act amazed when you get run over by your own car.
if you're walking the dog and an unleashed pit bull suddenly attacks your dog, DO NOT get on your hands and knees and try to break it up. the pit bull will bite the tip of your nose off and possibly eat it, too.
If you've been stabbed in the head and blood is jetting out of your temporal artery taking a shower to wash off the blood before coming to the ER won't help.
Don't shoot yourself in the mouth with a crossbow.
If you're feeling sad and blue...
don't pick up a #2 pencil, put it in your left nostril and jam it in as far as it will go...
Be glad that it was very sharp though, because it will pierce the base of your skull, dissect through your midbrain, and elevate a major vessel without causing any damage.
[Neurosurgery borrowed a pair of Vise Grips (c) and yanked it out, he walked out 1 week later completely fine.]
If you fall off a three-story high ladder, you should definitely drink a fifth of vodka in your buddy's car on the way to the ED.
If you are an overmacho, testicle of a cop and you drag some drunken jackass that you've arrested into my ER don't expect me to be impressed by how you beat him to a pulp. I now have to sew his face and scalp. It would be like me taking a dump in your car that you have to clean up and wanting you to think it was way cool.
or, if you slip up with the nail-gun while descending a roofing ladder and shoot a 4-inch nail straight through your sternum, just pluck it out while driving yourself on in to the ED. i still can't believe this guy didn't hit anything serious
Tonight I learned yet another helpful life lesson from one of my patients. If you're on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don't eat all your coke. Having been taught this valuable lesson I will now know better than to do this and wind up going to the ER in handcuffs, seizing uncontrollably, aspirating my vomit and doing all of this with a white powder moustache looking like and ad for "Got Coke?"
Stay away from people named "Some Guy" or "This One Dude", because they for whatever reason, just punch someone in the face or hit them with a crowbar and run off. If I see them on the street, I cross the street to get away from them.
Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.
Always wait until finishing your woodwork with the skillsaw prior to using your meth.
Don't swerve your Suzuki Samari to avoid hitting a squirrel in the middle of the road.
Don't road surf on the top of a moving stickshift car driven by your younger sibling with a learner's permit.
No matter how annoyed you are at being incarcerated dont slash open your scrotum and shove razor blades up your urethra. Now I know, who among us hasn't thought wistfully of doing that but it turns out that it's not a good idea.
Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.
Don't cut off your own penis and testicles with a knife...no explaination necessary.
If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first.....and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina.....the, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removal (happened to one of the guys in my residency).
No matter how tough you are, don't cross the street when you are drunk because the moving vehicle always wins.
If you have taken 7 home pregnancy tests that are all positive, and you come into the emergency department...chances are that test too will come back positive.
Just because the nut fits around your penis when you are not erect, it doesn't mean it will fit when you are.
if you are given a prescription for narcotics wait until the rx is filled before you try to sell them...
pt yesterday with bs pain complaint gets rx for vicodin and trys to sell them over the phone(loudly) in the E.D. lobby..." they gave me 30 vicodin...how about $250? ok meet me here in 20 minutes".
pt overheard by staff who took written rx from pt and ripped it up in his presence.....
No matter how badly constipated you are, a vodka enema is not a good idea.
Drinking Pine Sol diluted in a 5 gallon bucket, shared with 5 friends, is not a good way to get drunk
Do not suck on snake bite so that you can spread the venom to MORE parts of your body....
Oh if you come in with a salsa jar in your rectum, don't give the staff a fruit cake as a thank you present.
When attempting a self-circumcision do not use dry ice to numb the area... and when the dry ice sticks to the... a.... area, do not attempt to remove the ice with boiling water.
If you get bit by a stray dog then be sure and go home, get your gun, and shoot five different stray dogs because you could not remember which one it was that bit you. Then be sure to bring all five dogs to the Emergency Room so that we can test them for rabies
Alcohol, table saws, and flannel shirts do not mix.
I had a patient come in the other day complaining that he had had Hepatitis B so long it had turned into Hepatitis C...
If, after 83 years of living the life of an uncircumcised man, you decide to dehood yourself with a steak knife, you prolly don't wanna wait 2 days before you let someone know things aren't healing too well down there!
Do not leave you methadone dose on the kitchen counter in a kids sippie cup where your 2 year old son can easily reach for it and chug down your days dose
Yes, we know you only had 2 beers. Was that 2 quarts, 2 six packs, 2 cases.........?
obese patient (400+ pounds) p/w left scrotal pain secondary to sitting on his own testicle.. further analysis shows the guy crushed his own twig and berries..
swallowing batteries gives you energy
the painless chancre of primary syphilis, the cauliflower-like growths of HPV, the blisters of herpes, and the urethral discharge of gonorrhea/chlamydia can, indeed, all exist on a single penis
it's possible to put a wooden toothpick completely through the palm of your hand.
Taking a whole bottle of diet pills at one time will not make you lose weight any faster for that date you have tommorrow night.
If you come into the ER in the middle of the SARS scare complaining of flu-like symptoms, it would be a good idea to mention IMMEDIATELY that you just came back from Hong Kong.
If you spend the whole night out drinking booze, don't drink any other liquids, stay up for 36 hours straight, then go sell some plasma to get more booze and gambling money don't be surprised if you get a little dizzy. Definitely don't call EMS to pick you up at the casino. And most definitely don't tell EMS to wait while you go cash in your slot ticket.
If it burns when you pee and you have the drip don't get angry at me for being the lucky one to tell you that you have GC. Furthermore, I don't care if "that bitch" swore she was clean. It won't change your current situation. When I suggest condom use in the future don't say (not making this up) "Well maybe that's OK for you but I'm a REAL MAN. I ain't using no thing."
You really shouldn't come to the ER because you have a bunion. You really shouldn't be on Percocet and Soma for your bunion. You really shouldn't ask me to refill your Percocet and Soma for your horrible bunion pain.
If you buy, steal, or otherwise obtain a new gun, DO NOT show if to your friend, wife, ex girlfriend, etc, because you will end up shooting yourself in the face, arm, leg, or ass.
If you suspect you have an STD, don't go to the ED with your girlfriend and tell the doctor your symptoms in front of her if she's not the one that gave you the STD. Don't act surprised, either, if she storms out of the room crying
After you fall and hit your head on the ice while trying to dig your car out of a snow bank by all means get angry and wedge your snowbrush on the gas peddle while you dig out the rear tires and then act amazed when you get run over by your own car.
if you're walking the dog and an unleashed pit bull suddenly attacks your dog, DO NOT get on your hands and knees and try to break it up. the pit bull will bite the tip of your nose off and possibly eat it, too.
If you've been stabbed in the head and blood is jetting out of your temporal artery taking a shower to wash off the blood before coming to the ER won't help.
Don't shoot yourself in the mouth with a crossbow.
If you're feeling sad and blue...
don't pick up a #2 pencil, put it in your left nostril and jam it in as far as it will go...
Be glad that it was very sharp though, because it will pierce the base of your skull, dissect through your midbrain, and elevate a major vessel without causing any damage.
[Neurosurgery borrowed a pair of Vise Grips (c) and yanked it out, he walked out 1 week later completely fine.]
If you fall off a three-story high ladder, you should definitely drink a fifth of vodka in your buddy's car on the way to the ED.
If you are an overmacho, testicle of a cop and you drag some drunken jackass that you've arrested into my ER don't expect me to be impressed by how you beat him to a pulp. I now have to sew his face and scalp. It would be like me taking a dump in your car that you have to clean up and wanting you to think it was way cool.
or, if you slip up with the nail-gun while descending a roofing ladder and shoot a 4-inch nail straight through your sternum, just pluck it out while driving yourself on in to the ED. i still can't believe this guy didn't hit anything serious
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