For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
> around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
> Antonio City park.
>
> The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
> visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> assured by the other two
> judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> accepted."
>
> Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
>
>
> Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2
> -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy
> ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
> your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
> the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #
> 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
> the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
> back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
> ****-faced from all of the beer...
>
> Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt
> something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
> possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
> behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look
> HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using
> shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers
> make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
> pouring off my forehead and I can
> no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
> Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices
> and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
> eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
> Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
> a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I
> am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
> he is cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
> which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
> my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
> in my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This
> final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to
> see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
> he's
> going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
> chili?
> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
> around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
> Antonio City park.
>
> The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
> visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> assured by the other two
> judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> accepted."
>
> Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
>
>
> Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2
> -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy
> ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
> your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
> the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #
> 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
> the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
> back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
> ****-faced from all of the beer...
>
> Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt
> something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
> possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
> behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look
> HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using
> shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers
> make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
> pouring off my forehead and I can
> no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
> Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices
> and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
> eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
> Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
> a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I
> am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
> he is cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
> which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
> my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
> in my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This
> final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to
> see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
> he's
> going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
> chili?
