Joke of the day

Saturdays:


A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers.
She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless
grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked: "Why did you say
good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said: "I don't know daddy, it
just seemed like the thing to do." The next day, grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened
to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless
daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day, the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the
other side.
Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God
bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go
to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent
in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead
of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking
coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and
went home. When he got home his wife said: "I've never seen you
work so late, what's the matter?" He said: "I don't want to talk
about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe
what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on
our porch!"
 
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Saturdays:


A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers.
She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless
grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked: "Why did you say
good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said: "I don't know daddy, it
just seemed like the thing to do." The next day, grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened
to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless
daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day, the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the
other side.
Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God
bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go
to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent
in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead
of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking
coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and
went home. When he got home his wife said: "I've never seen you
work so late, what's the matter?" He said: "I don't want to talk
about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe
what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on
our porch!"

:lol: :lol: and the Secretary one!
When I finished reading this one I was like :scratch: then got it a few seconds later :rolleyes:
 
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"


"Yes. What can I do for you?"


"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets
it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."


"Thank you very much for the call, sir."


The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.


Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"


"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
 
Sundays Joke:

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the
street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis ashame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
 
Mondays Joke:

Dear Alcohol:
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in
the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck
in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I
feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make
me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do
not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big
Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off
with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need
to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the
issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and
the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day
are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45
seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the
kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the
invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and
the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra
money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully
we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
 
A Catholic convert goes to make his first confession.

Immediately after entering the confessional the priest ask him “How long is the line out there?”

The convert replied “about twenty people or so”

The priest then tells him “I’ll never make it. I was on a mission in Mexico last week and I’ve still got Montezuma’s revenge. You’re going to have to hear confessions for me until I get back from the bathroom”

“Father I can’t hear confessions, I just became catholic”

“Sure you can my son. Come on this side of the screen and I’ll show you”

The convert comes around the screen and the priest continues

“See here, I got a chart full with sins and their required penance. They tell you the sin, you look it up on the chart, and then tell them the penance. It’s easy.”

“But father I…..”

The priest darts of to the bathroom and the first person in the confessional is a little boy.

“Bless me father for I have sinned, I told a lie to my parents”

The convert can barely keep from panicking but manages to look on the chart. Under lie to parents is the penance of five Hail Mary’s. He nervously tells the boy to say five Hail Mary’s and off the boy goes.

Feeling more confident the next confessor is a young lady. She begins, “Bless me father for I have sinned, I gave my boyfriend oral sex”

The convert hastily looks on the chart and can’t find it. He looks at the really big sin section and it’s not there either. He begins to panic and looks out of the confessional for the priest. Instead he sees an altar boy walking by. With no other options he asks the altar boy.

“Hey son, what does father give for a blow job?”

Without hesitation the altar boy replies,

“A snickers bar and two tickets to the ball game”
 
Don't let this thread die!!!!!!!!

Did you her the one about the grasshopper that jumped up on the bar and ordered a scotch and soda?

The bartender said "Hey we got a drink named after you"

The grasshopper said "You got a drink named Irving?"
 
Don't let this thread die!!!!!!!!

Did you her the one about the grasshopper that jumped up on the bar and ordered a scotch and soda?

The bartender said "Hey we got a drink named after you"

The grasshopper said "You got a drink named Irving?"

I dont get it? :shrug:




Here's one I seen on a local board

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and
said, "About two hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and
said, "About three hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "H ow long >before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, >"About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, >Bill
returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."